I lay awake at night….
Mothers I know you’ll relate to this one…
I lay awake night…
…wondering how many layers of clothing is appropriate for forest school in the middle of winter, and how quickly said layers can be removed when the 3 year old screams “mummy I need a wee wee”; a scream which is then followed by the mad dash to the step stool, grabbing the potty training seat as we fly, to a chorus of “quickly quickly, not in your knickers”!!
The panic. The determination. And the relief, as we make it through the toilet trip unscathed.
To then return to the world from whence we just came… what was I in the middle of doing before the wee-wee-interruptus?
Was I posting something on IG? Writing an email to my accountant? Prepping a bottle for the baby? Oh no wait, wasn’t I reviewing something the team sent me?
Shit it’s 4pm, how have I not had lunch yet? Better put dinner on for the toddler, and stick a wash in before we run out of baby sleepsuits, and toddler knickers.
Must remember to get the VAT return in before midnight, and ask Nora to change the sheets on our bed, and sort out those Christmas present returns.
Bedtime comes around again.
I lay awake at night…
…wondering if the 5 month old is going to wake up soon, or if he’s going to let us sleep through the night.
Is it time to start letting him sleep without the swaddle? One arm out first, then two. And then out of his Snoo, into the big boy cot.
Will he really be my last baby? Could we have another? Would I want to do this sleepless nights thing again? It’s not that bad is it?
Speaking of babies, what about my other babies… I need to finish that god damn book and get it published. I’ve got team meeting in the morning, I’ll chat to them then. How are we going to fit in book promo around all the other launches we have planned this year?
I hope this pandemic ends soon so I can travel. I need to get my ass in the states.
Eventually I drift off.
Another day arrives, packed full of mothering, juggling, navigating, holding space, constantly shifting my identity, evolving on a moments notice, taking it all in my stride, 2 children, 3 businesses, constant demands, holding it all, cash in, cash out, ideas pouring through me whilst my hands are tied with children, storing the inspiration in my blood and in my bones until I can get to a pen or a digital note.
I lay awake at night…
…wondering who I am,
grieving who I used to be,
embracing all that I am becoming,
at the feet of my children,
my heart in their hands,
their Souls etched in mine,
and mine in theirs,
and yet forced to live the pain of separation as they become their own Soul-led expressions…
The sleepless nights. The thoughts that are no longer mine. The grief. The pain. The boundless love. The ideas. The inspiration. The constant juggle to hold it all.
This. All of this. This is the work of a Mama Queen.
This is the work I’ve been preparing to teach for over 3 years. It’s time.
My love always