Money, Life, Relationships & Heartbreak
Happy Saturday Gorgeous
I’m curled up on the couch with a matcha, looking out over our beautiful country garden, just taking a moment to acknowledge my own success with deep gratitude & appreciation for this wonderful life.
And as I silently thanked the Universe for all the things I have… the beautiful £2M home, my brand new Bentley, my wonderful husband (currently sorting out the kids dinner), my 2 beautiful children, amazing friends, clients, family & support teams… I began noticing the things I DON’T have… specifically a few relationships which are no longer present in my life.
A little over a year ago, an awful thing happened in my professional world. A thing which completely and utterly broke my heart and dimmed my light for quite some time.
I was holding a high level container for an intimate group of women. One month before the end of our time together, one client took it upon herself to hit the destruct button. She took with her half the group. In the space of a few weeks these women went from being absolutely overjoyed with the work we were doing together to slandering me on social media, accusing me of all kinds of things. They called me a narcissist, a gas lighter, a fraud, a con artist. One said I’d traumatised her, another threatened to sue me. All of them said to my face they were leaving the container NOT because of me, but then sold quite a different story on social media. I released them all from their contracts without consequence. They owed me £80,000 between them. I walked away from the money. I wanted to do the kind thing, the nice thing, the compassionate thing. I tried to be understanding even though I couldn’t understand what was happening. My solicitors advised I release them from contracts, and the money owed, and to ask them to please stop slandering me on social media. It was more important to me to maintain true to myself, to be kind, and compassionate. All contact was ignored. They refused to communicate with me, or with my solicitors. In a nutshell, they had it in for me. They felt they had been wronged in some way.
The heartache this caused me was comparable to the pain I’d felt in my mid-20s when I was left utterly broken and on my knees after attempted suicide, and the loss of a business to friends & staff members who took advantage of my deteriorating mental health to steal my client base and intellectual property for themselves. The pain I experienced back then triggered my first spiritual awakening. It was fast, and brutal, but I came through the other side in a matter of months, emotionally speaking.
Last year, however, was a slightly different story. The pain dragged on for about a year. It was intense, brooding, crippling, Soul destroying even. A part of me was certainly dying.
I gave birth a few months after the tower began to crumble. Whilst in labour with my son these women were in my head, taunting me, torturing me. I was replaying their words in my mind, re-reading the legal threats and demands from my memory. It was agony. Even in my postpartum bubble, they would often drift into my mind and I’d wonder if they were still slandering me on social media. Of course they had blocked me so I couldn’t know for sure but my legal team kept close tabs. We had significant evidence to pursue them for damages, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it to them. I loved these women, even though they seemed to hate me.
It wasn’t just those clients I lost either. They took with them a significant number of women who quietly slipped away from my containers, my social media following, and my email list. We even lost a team member who felt too uncomfortable “in the middle of it all”.
The business took a hit, although by some miracle we did continue to grow. New women found me, I kindled new relationships, and new containers to hold space for the new faces in my world. I continued to show up, but not in the same way. I wasn’t as sassy, or as opinionated. I daren’t speak as openly as I used to. I tried to be as vanilla as possible. I didn’t want to give anyone any reason to believe I was a bad person. The idea that I was a bad person was too much for my heart.
I care, DEEPLY. I love, DEEPLY. I’m deeply sensitive, and emotional, and I attach quickly. Once I’m attached I’m fiercely loyal, and even a whiff of rejection or betrayal cuts DEEPLY.
For over a year I’ve suffered the pain of the loss of these relationships. Not just the 5 who made it public, but all the rest who followed. I know every single woman who is “missing” from my world. I know because I care about them. I know because I love them. Even still. A big heart is capable of SO MUCH love, but a big heart is also susceptible to SO MUCH pain. This is duality.
For over a year I didn’t let myself love so hard. I tried to care less. I didn’t show up as much. I didn’t give as much. I didn’t let myself receive as much.
And yet still the business continued to grow, the money continued to grow, my whole life continued to grow.
I find myself today having achieved every desire on my wish list, wondering what I might possibly dream up next.
The thing that sprang to mind was freedom from the pain of lost relationships.
And then it hit me…
I will NEVER be free from that. I feel that pain because of who am I, because of how much I love, because of how much I care.
Pain doesn’t make us weak. It makes us stronger. Pain doesn’t mean we’re bad people… actually, it means we’re good people, because we care so damn much.
This is who we are. People with big hearts. People who bleed easily. People who can’t help but love even when it hurts so damn much.
And it’s because of who I am why the money continues to grow, and why my life continues to manifest miracle after miracle after miracle.
Money is an amplifier. It makes us more of who we are.
The more money I make, the kinder, more compassionate, and more loving I become. The more money I make, the bigger my heart gets. The more money I make, the more I give. The more money I make, the more I care.
The more money I make… the more I feel the pain of heartbreak.
The more money I make… the more ME I become.
I AM sensitive. I AM emotional. I do bruise easily. And that’s OK. That doesn’t have to change. Actually, I don’t want it to.
This is my spiritual awakening from this experience … it’s not awakening to the miracle of the Divine (that was last time). This time, it’s awakening to the miracle of ME.
To the miracle of my big heart, my deep pain, and my heightened sensitivity. These things get to be superpowers, not vulnerabilities.
So, to the 5 who burned me… you know who you are if ever you read this.
Thank you. It’s taken me over a year to arrive at this point. It’s been a painful journey, and I’ve learned many lessons along the way (for those of you who took my Comeback Queen masterclass, you’ll know what I’m talking about), BUT, I finally realise the ultimate gift in the experience we shared together.
Thank you for your part in our Soul monadic contracts. Thank you for your slander, and the pain you caused me. Thank you for forcing me to sit in it far longer than was comfortable.
From March 2021 to May 2022, I found something I didn’t even realise I needed…
I found the miracle of ME.
To all of you who needed to leave me so I could receive this miracle, Thank you, I love you. I always will. Thank YOU.
p.s. remember when we were working together, I shared my dream of the multi-million pound country home and the Bentley GT Convertible? I know you’re not here to witness it now, but it happened!! Along with even more miracles than I even dreamed possible at the time. Thank you xxx
p.p.s. a special thank you to a dear friend and confidant who has held me through this time with fierce love & loyalty, and who today shared something with me that sparked this great unfolding. Gemma Went, I love you lady. In this for the long haul. And to all the other wise, sensitive & brave women who also played a hand in my healing & awakening journey of the last year. I thank you too, I love you too. Again, you know who you are. I may be a Priestess, but that doesn’t make me invincible. The women who held me are also Priestesses. We’re a special kind of people. Our pain is our superpower. Our love is our gift. Our experience is our service. Our healing is the paradigm that we’re building. Together.
If you felt moved by this story, there’s a few places you may feel called…
If you’ve suffered a knock back in life that you’ve struggled to recover from because you’ve been unable to understand why it happened to you or what the divinity is in it all, then I really recommend The Comeback Queen. The Comeback Queen was the masterclass I delivered in October 2021 when I was 7/8 months out from the tower crumbling. At this point I had learned a lot of lessons and also mastered the art of extracting the gold from the mess. This class teaches you how to do the same and how to lead yourself through painful situations. Use code LOVE for 50% off this weekend.
If you too have a big heart, and have experienced pain in your relationships, desire more love in your life, both romantically, platonically, sexually, and even professionally, I urge you to join my brand new Love programme whilst it’s still on pre-sale. This is my first love, sex & relationship programme which I’ll be officially launching once I’m back from my honeymoon in June (2nd honeymoon & 2nd wedding thanks to Mr Pandimi meddling with the first one).
And finally, if you recognise the Priestess in this story, and feel the pull from within you to answer the call of the Priestess. If your Soul is driving you towards the deep and painful work of the Priestess, to become more of who you are, in service to the world, then Paradigm is the place for you. We are currently 5 women. The door is always open for a true Priestess to join us.